Considering how I am only starting this blog now, well beyond the original deadline, I thought it would be a good idea to perhaps provide some sort of apology and explanation. Especially seeing as the content of this blog will no doubt be sub-par. Here goes.
I adore this course and all the tutors on it. I think it's fascinating, stimulating and well taught. I hate the thought that my lack of drive and inability to get almost anything done implies that I am somehow indifferent and passionless. As hard as I have found it to be productive in any way these last few months it has never been because of any of the people involved with this course nor the content of it.
The truth is that my father's death hit me far harder than I ever expected. Having never experienced the death of anyone I know or knew in the past the removal of one of the only two people who have literally been there my entire life was hard to wrap my mind around. It was numbing. Impossible to describe. I wrote a poem and read it at his funeral. That was one way of dealing with it there and then. It made me feel better, but as time wears on you start to notice that weeks have passed and you haven't done anything.
It's so easy to talk yourself into skipping a 9am lecture when you've barely slept...it gets easier the more you do it too. When you're doing nothing you tend not to notice how little you have been feeling and how the drive to do anything productive has left you. By the time the fear of failure arrives it's already too late.
I tried to come back and do work, but that one lecture I went to was overwhelming. I had not slept and was trying very hard to fully understand what was going on. I should have asked for more help, but I can be bad at that. At least, I'm bad at it when I know that it's my fault I don't understand. Normally I'm fine with asking for some help. That experience probably set me back more than it pushed me forward.
So I would like to apologize sincerely for missing almost all your lectures and neglecting the work you set. I genuinely enjoy your teaching. Your sarcasm, weird sense of humour (it happens to suit mine almost too well) and your brutal, knowledgeable honesty. I regret not learning all I could have learnt and that I won't get another chance to do so. I never thought of it that way while I was vacantly letting the days fly past me. Perhaps if I had I would have tried to fix things sooner.
Somehow I managed to actually get work done for my Drama module. You know this as you were at the assessment giving your usual excellent feedback (though I did think that the ghost lady's voice worked quite well considering the awful quality of vocal recordings I had to work with haha). This was the one module that I actually managed to focus on an dedicated myself to. The reason I was able to do this was that I had a group who was relying on me. They kept in touch and got me to come in and do my stuff. The partner I had for post-production disappeared at some point. Perhaps if he had been around to nudge me I would have managed to get something done. Not that I'm making excuses. Really I'm just trying to explain why I managed to do someone else's work and not yours.
So, again, I am truly sorry. Thank you for trying to help me and for asking how I was whenever you saw me. It was much appreciated. I should have asked for more help.
